I'm a dreamer. Let me just start by stating the obvious. I have a tendency to dream big, but when the time comes to apply myself, I have been known to very rarely actually follow through and accomplish a lot of what I set out to do. Now, I could sit back and say that this is a factor of ADD that I've come to accept, but I won't. It is a very "ADD-like" thing, but it is the one ADD-related trait that I do not intend to just accept. I am going to go ahead and say that now that I'm aware of this tendency, I am sure I can do something about it. You can go read my old blog posts for proof of my dropped dreams. In fact, I have even previously resolved to not be this way. Well, over a year after that resolution, I'm seriously gonna do it this time. I hope.
So, what's different? Well, for one thing, I am finally watching one of those potentially far-fetched dreams come true for myself. Granted, it's not been an easy road. In fact, it's been one of the most daunting, stressful processes, but becoming a homeowner is worth it. I am supposed to close on my house in less than 2 weeks. I can't back out now, so this is for real! Not only is it real, it's also a bit inspiring. So many dropped dreams along the way have led me to believe that it doesn't matter how much I want something, chances are it still won't happen. The first huge example was out of my hands...some know the story of me failing to raise nearly enough funding to be an intern at a campus ministry in Mexico. It's a long story, but basically, that set off a pattern of supposed failure in my life. In the few years to follow, I felt like every time I really wanted to do something (a dream, of sorts), something got in my way and I gave up.
Well, for the first time in the almost 5 years since that happened, I am seeing something huge actually come to fruition. Nearly 4 months after deciding to make an offer on the house, I am finally going to be a homeowner. I still have a hard time believing it myself...I don't think it will seem real until I have the keys in my hand. Until then, I will have doubts. Even now, I have a hard time believing that it's really happening. I keep saying "if" instead of "when."
Anyway, I am a dreamer. For years I have come up with dreams that I wanted to pursue, and nothing ever seems to come of it. I have finally decided that the only reason things don't happen is because I tend to get in over my head. I decide that I want to do something RIGHT NOW, and then I get frustrated when I don't have the resources or whatever it takes to make big things happen fast. This time, I really do want to do it right, but I'm concerned w/ my propensity to take on too much too fast and have extreme expectations. In the past few years I have dreamed BIG...and I still have a heart for a lot of what I went after, but I had to accept that the timing was just not right.
My current dream is that I want to race,and the dream is not just the race itself, the process along the way is the biggest part. I want to do a legit race before I turn 30. I've decided to start training for a sprint triathlon (a shorter distance than regular triathlon), during which time I also want to do some smaller races like 5Ks or adventure races. I don't love running, but I love the feeling of being able to run. I want to be in the kind of shape where if I decide last minute to play soccer or something, I can do it w/o struggling. On top of my training dream here, I've also incorporated my desire to play soccer again. I want to join a league if I can, but to begin with, I have decided to start playing pick-up games w/ some people once a week. That can easily become part of my training if I commit. The reason I think I can make these things happen is b/c other people will rely on me. I will be doing training with at least one (maybe two) other friends. Soccer will involve other people, and we'll rely on one another to show up so there are enough people to play.
What makes this goal stand out even more than the others is because, going in, I know that I can do it. I also know that I tend to give up easily and doubt myself often. Knowing that, I hope that I will be aware if I do fall into the trap of self-doubt. I can do it, and I will. Even if I walk in a race, I will train and work hard. If for no other reason than because I can. Two years ago, I was in great shape (minus a tumor that was kind of killing my strength), and I have yet to get back into that sort of shape since my surgery. However, if I could be a bad-a rock climbing fool even having a tumor and a bad back, I can do this.
I also think I may set up a blog to track my progress as I train...maybe. Not that I think anybody else cares about it, but I think that will provide some self-accountability. I need that. I refuse to add this to my list of could-have-beens. The list of things I've been amped about in the past 5 years but inevitably dropped is too long already...
campus ministry; becoming a teacher; teaching abroad; going grad school (for architecture, structural engineering, historical preservation, education, or psychology); climbing (lasted almost 2 yrs); kickboxing; photography; and I'm sure there's more...
That's a lot of unrealized dreaming in 5 years. Granted, I really did go after a few of those things, only to finally decide that the time just wasn't right. A few of them are still in the back of my mind for if/when the time is right. So, I will not give up. I will not let the devil beat me down when I feel weak. I will be strong because I can. I will continue to dream, and when I turn 30 in 10 months, I will be in better shape than when I turned 20!
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